


Mara

by Yougaythen



Category: Ballum, EastEnders
Genre: M/M, Slight angst at the start but turns into pure love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:01:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24738103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yougaythen/pseuds/Yougaythen
Summary: A little short fic based on Jack Garratts songs ‘Mara’ and ‘doctor please’
Relationships: Ballum - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	Mara

The world around them was full of light, the moon illuminating the streets below them casting shadows, stars twinkling their magic. People milling around the streets, heading back after a night out in the square or on the local town. And yet here they were sitting on the end of the bed just inches away from each other, both sat full of guilt and lies neither wanting to make the first move to tell the truth. Ben knew Callum was hiding something, the way he pulled his hand away from Ben's very touch, the refusal to eat anything, his body. It was like that of a small vulnerable child. 

“It’s alright to not be okay-” Ben speaks, it’s barely a whisper but he needs to let Callum know that whatever is happening is something he doesn’t need to go through alone “- you know you can talk to me about anything” he continues, getting up placing a kiss on Callum’s head and leaving the room, turning off the bright light overhead. 

When Ben returns Callum is led down, pillow scrunched in his arms, and his face mirrored, he looks almost in pain, eyes closed but he’s not asleep, but he’s still, it’s times like this Ben wishes he could be in his mind, calm his thoughts and let him rest yet instead he’s swimming in the words once said. Shuffling back upon the bed, frame slightly tapping against the wall and he feels Callum shift against his leg, reaching round and finding Callum’s hand from under the pillow rubbing it gently. “I don’t know where your thoughts are at right now but I know you should probably talk about them”. Shifting over so he’s now looking at Ben Callum opens his eyes, those familiar blue lagoons full of pain “I’m fine” his voice cracking as he speaks. 

Taking Callum’s hands back in his own smaller ones, pulling it up to his mouth and kissing it lightly, “I’m not worthy enough to love you back Ben” the words so clear shocking Ben, “I’m telling you not to lie and yet here I am lying to you on the daily, holding everything together for you, for us. And you say that it’s alright to not be okay. But if that’s so true-” he breaks off, snapping his hand from within Ben's delicate touch wiping away the tear formation “- why can’t I love myself Ben. Maybe I should have told you the truth a long time ago, maybe I wouldn’t feel like this now, but my head is messy, it’s empty yet so full of everything and nothing” tears flowing, he’s letting part of himself go, opening jars and letting thoughts flow. 

Ben reaches forward, Callum now sat upright, pillow discarded at some point while he was talking but bens not sure when, taking a hold of his waist and pulling him closer, placing Callum’s hand against his heart “you feel that?” He questions holding his hand over the top of Callum’s, it’s not enough to encase it but the soft rub of his thumb along the back. He can feel Callum melting into him, shoulders dropping and head falling to the side upon his shoulder “that has all the love possible, just for you”

They shuffle back, laying down upon the bed below them, a typical night Callum would be going to sleep with Ben in his arms, but tonight it was Ben's turn to hold the taller, needing him to be close, held. Ben stayed awake, not once moving from around Callum, until Callum’s body stilled, breathing evened out and eyes loosely shut, until exhaustion caught up with Ben and he was also out for the night. 

Callum stirring in ben's arms makes him wake up almost immediately, eyes fluttering shut at the brightness around them, “stay” is all he can say, placing a kiss to Callum’s shoulder, holding onto him “let me turn over” he returns as Ben loosens his arms from around the taller, shifting position their eyes meet for the first time, laced with sleep and love met the instantly panicked “what I said last night” Callum starts, taking ben's hand “I’m sorry” “what for” Ben's face awash with confusion “it should be me apologising, you shouldn’t have to feel like that, you know you can talk to me about anything in that whirling mind of yours-” pausing to place a kiss, his hair swept back over his head, Ben loved slightly sleepy Callum, “and no matter what I’ll never stop loving you, never ever. How could I look at you. And we can work on getting you love yourself, work on these horrible feelings okay. Everything will be okay, and you aren’t going anywhere my arms can’t reach today” 

They eventually got up, spending the minute they woke up to the minute they got up in each other’s arms, holding, loving, dozing back off to sleep at one point. Pulling on a top that belonged to Ben Callum was okay, or at least in that very moment, Ben couldn’t be closer than he already was, making lunch for them both, breakfast had long been forgotten about, and snuggling down on the sofa, putting on some romantic film that always make Callum laugh at least once. 

One set of hands intertwined, one set detached, Ben’s playing with Callum’s hair, Callum’s just resting on his tummy, they lived for these moments, not the moments that lead up to them, but the moments that it was just them, blissfully in love. Maybe Callum would be okay, maybe he needed help to calm his racing mind or maybe with enough love and attention from Ben things would be okay. They stayed there all day, Callum falling asleep on Ben in the mid afternoon, exhausted, allowing his mind to be free for a while. 

Because sometimes when home is where a heart lays, it might need repairs, fall down a little, changes to be made before it can be rebuilt, stronger and safer than ever before.  
Ben was right, it’s okay to not be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Idk what to write in these things


End file.
